As the end draws near I find myself thinking back on all the things I wish I had know beforehand. Everyone says you will have a pregnancy glow, and when you feel your baby kick it will be the most special thing in the world, and so on. I can agree with the kicking at least. Well, until it starts hurting. Everyone’s pregnancy is different, I know this. But there are definitely some things I would have prepared better for had I known. So I am taking it upon myself to let everyone know what lovely things they have to look forward to. Think of it as a pre pregnancy PSA.
1. Morning Sickness is a Big Fat Lie
And by that I meant that it can strike anytime of the day, and last as long it wants. I had it bad. Like round the clock bad. And it’s not always a quick vomit and move on thing. It can be a lie in bed and wish your whole body will stop hurting thing. Your favorite foods? Forget about it. Everything is disgusting, and you may just lose 20lbs. (Don’t worry, it comes back. Double.) Your doctor might prescribe you nausea pills. I hope they work for you. They only made me sicker. Just keep trying to eat and talk to your doctor is the best advice I can give.
2. Your Emotions and You
So you think you’re emotional during “Mother Natures monthly visit”? Ha. Hahahahaha. That’s nothing sweet dears, compared to preggo emotions. You already feel bad, and when things don’t go your way you may just throw a fit. Or several. If your shower curtain blows and touches you when you’re showering, expect to break down
in tears because it won’t stay put. And forget Disney, I cried when I watched The Croods. Seriously, it was about cavemen! Oh and the anger! You have never or will never be so irrationally angry in your life. You may delete your sister from your Facebook because she posted something dumb. (Don’t worry you can re add her later, she will understand). You may threaten divorce for no reason at all. (I’m lucky to be with such a great guy, I don’t know how he puts up with me). And then when the smoke clears and you level out, you can be as docile as a lamb. Baaaaaa!
3. The Unwanted Advice
Let’s face it people, we all know that one person who had kids when they probably shouldn’t have. Maybe they’re not exactly parent material, or maybe you just have different views. Maybe they let their kids eat rocks while they obliviously tweet on their iPhones. Whatever the case is, they had their baby first, so they know more about it than you right? Maybe so. But that doesn’t mean you have to listen. They will try and tell you about their doctors visits, how to wear your seatbelt, their experiences with breast feeding. You may get really unlucky and have to deal with the girl who wants to talk about her miscarriages. (No I am not being insensitive. It’s sad, I understand. But that’s not something a pregnant lady wants to hear when she’s trying to have a healthy pregnancy.) You’re going to have to be firm. Let these people know that this is your first time, and you want to experience it for yourself. If all else fails, find out what TV shows they watch and change the topic to that. Distraction is a fantastic tactic.
4. Your Dreams Are About To Get Weird As Heck
And everyone is different so who knows what to expect. If you think you know yourself and wouldn’t possibly conceive anything too strange, THINK AGAIN! I thought I was a normal, female housewife. But in my dreams I’m really a middle aged male cop who is forced to shoot his buddy cop partner when he tries to kill me because I find out he has secretly been working with the local drug lord. Or, maybe I’m (again) a male bodyguard for a little Hindu boy who’s family is under attack from terrorists, and I have getaway cars and shootouts on airstrips and so on. Maybe I’m watching too much Lethal Weapon and Transporter. You will be lucky if you can avoid the risqué dreams. I’m not going in to detail, but you will want to scrub your brain and never look at certain people again for the rest of your life. And there’s nothing you can do about it. Good luck and consider a therapist.
5. Congratulations! You Are Now A Sasquatch.
Because there will come a time when bending over gets difficult. And there will also come a time when you can’t see your erm, downstairs anymore. If you aren’t a shy lady and have an extra buck, now is the time to visit a spa for some waxing. Because you will get hairy. You can’t shave your legs because you simply can’t reach them. Your armpits at least can be tamed. And you get facial hair now so grab some tweezers. All the peach fuzzy hair on your body? Three shades darker. You head quits losing hair as fast, so unless you like a thick unmanageable mane be prepared to ask your stylist to thin it for you. And apparently after you have the baby, your head hair comes out in clumps so don’t freak out, you’re just shedding. And the texture can change too. I’m pretty sure I’m growing thin copper wires. Prepare yourself.
6. Sleeping Will Never Be the Same
Your belly is big. Congratulations! You now have two options for sleeping. Your left side, or your right side. Sleeping on your stomach will require you to break physics, and sleeping on your back can cause shortness of breath. I hope you and your SO aren’t snugglers, because then it becomes a strange game of laying down twister. Me and mine have mastered our new position though. I’m the big spoon, and have angled back my upper half to accommodate my belly, while hanging my leg over husbands hip. Poor guy. Also, Tums are your new BFF. Get the smoothies flavored ones because heartburn can haunt you all night long. And finally, if and when your appetite finally returns after the any-place-any-time sickness, be prepared to raid the fridge like a hungry bear at 3am because you are absolutely starving. (Yogurts are a real lifesaver here, they’re quick and probably won’t give you heartburn.)
7. There Is Such a Procedure as Membrane Scraping
And it happens inside the vajayjay. Around the cervix more specifically. And apparently it is routine at 39 weeks. I have avoided it thus far, but it’s one of those lovely little things that nobody tells you about and can be sprung on you. Google it and prepare yourself. And prepare for two cultures to be taken for some GBS test. One from the vajayjay like a pap, and from the bum. Again a test nobody prepares you for. Isn’t it lovely? Be brave fellow sisters, be brave.
8. Bonus! Thou Shalt Pass Gas
A lot. You probably won’t stop having gas for three months straight. If you’ve never passed gas in front of your SO before, now is a good time to get over that fear. Or just hang out with small children and dogs so you can blame somebody. (Who are you kidding, you can’t blame that monster fart on your 6 month old nephew, you aren’t fooling anyone.) In the middle of the night you hear your dog sniff out loudly, letting you know that she is silently judging you. That’s right, your own pet will judge you. And no matter what you eat and which foods you try to avoid, it probably won’t help. I once had a lady tell me she didn’t fart in from of her husband, ever. This lady had four kids. I call shenanigans. Accept your fate and seclude yourself from the world. Or maybe ask your doctor if gas-x is safe.
Like I said before, everyone is different. Some lucky ladies don’t deal with the morning sickness, and some unlucky ladies have symptoms that I didn’t have to put up with, like swelling. But it’s worth it when you look at the screen during the ultrasound and see your baby, that lovely little person that you made, sucking his thumb and wiggling around. And when you hear him kick the doctors heartbeat stethoscope, (on two separate occasions because he’s a sassy little toot) it will bring a smile to your face that won’t go away all day. And when the person who you love so much that you wanted another one of him puts his hand on your belly and feels his little boy move, and you see the joy and happiness shining in his beautiful smile, then I think it’s safe to say all these things are worth it.