I’m sorry baby

I’ve been offered a job. Nothing huge, just cashiering at a travel plaza. We could really use the money. Like OMG. I don’t like to complain about money. I don’t like people to know that I’m getting assistance. It’s not that there’s anything wrong with getting help when you need it. But I reallllyyy hate asking. If it were just me and Jess, I wouldn’t care. Id stick it out. But now that Tucks here it’s a different story. So yeah I could use a job. So that we can support ourselves. So that we don’t have to ask for help.

But it means they I have to be away from my baby.

And it really upsets me. I have to leave him at my in laws house. Not that there’s anything particularly wrong with my in laws. But what if he doesn’t love me as much if I’m gone eight hours out of the day? Oh god I’m crying.

Jessy and I want so badly to move away from here and settle down in a place we can call our own. I’ve compromised and agreed to live in Oklahoma for a bit. I don’t really like it here though (I’m soooooo miserable). It’s soooo rural, the small town grocery store is so expensive, and I haven’t seen a Target in months! I don’t think the schools in this area are good, and there aren’t it of opportunities for the kids. It’s an area with a lot of closed mindedness. It’s an area where people think it’s ok to dump dogs on the dirt roads. I’d even venture to say that this area has a problem with racism.

Therefore, I’m setting the goal of venturing to our forever place by August of next year. There’s just something about the notion that I’m turning 25 that makes me realize how little I have my life together. Something has to change.

I’m so sorry Tucker Baby. I’m sorry I didn’t have it together when you came along. I’m sorry that I have to leave you for a bit each day. I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry.

But Tucker Baby, I want good things for you. I want to raise you in a place where you will have the opportunities to follow your dreams and succeed. I want you to have every opportunity to learn as much as you can. And I just don’t think I can give you that here.

I’m so sorry baby. It’s going to be rough. But mummy loves you and she wants the best for you. So spend some time with your Grandma, because we are moving away in a year, even if I have to save every cent I earn.



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