The Fourth Year

Four years a ago today, Jessy and I held hands in a courthouse in Texas, while some old guy in a black robe joined us legally. Husband and Wife. The big M word. Marriage. We were just kids, he wore his jeans and I put on my favorite party dress.

Coincidentally it was Friday the 13th. Ok not so coincidentally, I totally wanted to get married on Friday the 13th. Cause it’s cool. And so am I. (Keep telling yourself that Katie)

I always knew I wanted to be married. I never dated around. The few people I did date, I envisioned being with long term, even if I wasn’t necessarily happy with them. It was so messed up, I idolized sticking together more that I did being happy together. Maybe it’s because my mom and dad were married several times. Whatever the case, I wasn’t smart. I tormented myself for the sake of not giving up on a commitment to another person.

Four years ago today, I took my (now) best friend and I declared him my husband. (Ok so maybe the judge did). And I committed to my relationship, instead of to my husband. I committed to the prospect of staying married. Not to the true ideals of a happy marriage. And I made a huge mistake.

He told me over and over he felt like I didn’t love him. I was confused but I let it roll off my shoulder. “How could you feel that way? I do love you. How could you not know?” I was so wrapped up in myself, and work, and school, I was letting him slip away. I banked on the idea that he wouldn’t leave me because I loved him. But I didn’t show it. I didn’t pay attention. I almost lost him.

When he asked for the divorce I was beside myself.
“What did I do wrong? Why?”
I didn’t want him to go. But I almost gave him the divorce anyway. I had the papers ready and notarized. I figured if he truly didn’t want me then I would let him go. But I was so wrong.

I took a step back, and realized that if I lost him I wouldn’t be able to say I stayed with my husband, that I wasn’t the kind of girl to get divorced. And then I realized that didn’t matter. Making each other happy was what mattered. So screw the together forever idea.

I told him I didn’t want a divorce. I started paying attention, listening, and showing. We worked it out, and learnt each other. He became my friend. That title has more value than husband. Anyone can be your spouse, but not anyone can be your friend.

Four years ago I made the wrong kind of commitment. I made a mistake. I didn’t have a clue about marriage and what it takes. I hurt myself and the man I love, for some fantasized idea. For a dumb never-give-up attitude. For my heart being in the wrong place.

But today I know without a doubt that we are happily married. Happily first. Married second.

Jessy, my best friend, I want to hold your hand and live my life to see you smile, to raise our beautiful son, and to enjoy your company. I love you.

IMG_1590.PNG

I’m thriving! It’s intentional!

So one of the blogs I follow, When at Home, (super good you should read it) started talking about thriving intentionally. What I took from this is that you should try and improve yourself, for the betterment of your life. And I KNOW I need improvement. My life is jumbled. I need to get it together Katie.
My debt is a huge stressor. I have dreams of working from home to spend more time with Tuck. I’d like to lose some serious weight. And I really need to try and communicate better with my husband.
Every week I want to set a goal. Something I think is feasible. Maybe for things I need to get done that I have been putting off. Maybe for things that I need to improve on personally. Getting organized, communicating with my husband, or even stopping my negativity toward people I dislike. I want to live. I want to THRIVE! So I am setting my goals. They will be within my reach. And if I write about them it’s almost like a contract right? I don’t want to let you guys down. So here’s what I’m going to do to thrive!

I will lose 10lbs in the next two months.

I will talk to my husband every few evenings before bed. No tv, no cell phone.

I will start working on my debt. Baby steps for now.

I will quit complaining about my in-laws. This one will be tricky.

And finally I will have my first order of candles ready for wholesale to my awesome friend Lauren Tatum within a week of getting the materials. Then I will begin building stock and getting my amazon together for sales.

These are my goals! I think I can do it. I’m sure as heck gonna try.

What are yours? What are you going to do to thrive intentionally?